Marriage and mental readiness

Hello, mi neighbour! So, this couple went to see the counsellor about 11 ½ months into their marriage and he advised them, among other things, to begin to see each other as the best thing to have happened to them, to save the marriage. He went further to advise that they should see each other as king and queen. Six months later, the ‘queen’ went back to the counsellor with ‘good news’. The ‘king/queen thing’ etc, was not working out, and she had a better idea: Rather than seeing each other as the best thing to have happened to them both, as a solution to their marital “trials”, they would be better off calling it off!

She discovered that, while they loved and cared for each other deeply in the first place, they were not prepared for each other mentally. She could take the strain no longer! It was killing her. While the counsellor sympathised with their plight, he could not give her the green light but offered to work more closely with them as he felt that they had the makings of a good marriage. He detected:

Love and affection

Respect and trust

Dependence and interdependence

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Some amount of conflict resolution skills

A spirit of gratitude and appreciation

Financial transparency and planning ability

The ability to listen actively and much more.

Why then can’t they live happily ever after? Well, maybe they did. Didn’t follow up the story. Have a feeling that they made it after all.

Triggered by that scenario, I went in search of some information on marriage and mental readiness which I hope will help you, mi neighbour. If you are planning to marry someone who might even be your dream partner, you must be mentally prepared, or else!

Being mentally prepared for marriage, according to the experts, involves emotional maturity, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow together. Key aspects to consider here include self-reflection. And what does this mean? Here are some very important MUSTS!

· You must identify and be sure of your personal values and goals.

· Know your emotional triggers and coping mechanisms.

· Get a good grasp of love languages and attachment styles.

· Address unresolved issues in previous relationships or childhood days.

You must also work on your communication skills. Weak communication will cause you to clam up under pressure and add more pressure to the relationship. You could have a blow up!

The other thing you must start to work on even long before meeting Mr/Mrs Right, is active and empathetic listening. This one is a sure winner! Sitting down and working out healthy conflict resolution strategies is also a must.

Along the journey, you must wait patiently for your partner to express his/her thoughts, however long it takes. Haste makes waste, including time! For special effect, be pleasant as you silently and lovingly wait!

Even at the risk of sounding stupid and vulnerable, define marriage expectations and boundaries. Establish roles and responsibilities. Don’t be too rigid, though. Rigidity does not always work in a marriage.

Do not leave out financial goals and management. That one must be discussed and signed off on in order to be mentally prepared for any financial eventuality. Still wanna get married? Why not? Of course!

And I throw in a few more points you will find useful along the way.

To be mentally prepared for marital bliss, you must be emotionally intelligent.

· Develop emotional regulation and resilience.

· Cultivate gratitude and forgiveness – imperative

· Practise self-care and stress management.

You must also remember that:

· Marriage is a team effort

· Compromise and growth go hand in hand

· You do not know everything and guidance from the wise can come in handy

Recommended reading together: The Bible.

Work hard on the marriage – you will need it down the road! Remember, no man is an island.

Okay, mi neighbour, next time.

HELP SOMEONE WITH NEEDS LISTED BELOW

1. Stove

2. Refrigerator

3. Bed

4. Food

5. Medication

6. Financial assistance to start a little business

To help, please call Silton Townsend @ 876 649-9636 or 876 884-3866. Contact email: helloneighbour@yahoo.com. Visit hellomineighbourja.blogspot.com. Townsend exclusively manages the collections and distributions mentioned in this column and is neither an employee nor agent of The Gleaner.