Tam Cowan: Shop's closure is no joke...where will I get fake jobby from now?

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Remember the old joke about the guy walking into a pub with a dog turd in his hand and saying to the barman: “Look what I nearly stood on…”?

Well, talk about life imitating art. I’ve actually PERFORMED that gag on many an occasion – in countless different boozers – thanks to the fake dog poo I bought in Tam ­Shepherd’s Trick Shop years ago.

So yes, I was absolutely distraught when the legendary Glasgow shop pulled down the shutters last Saturday after 138 years (although I was half-expecting the shutters to reopen a few moments later and a glamorous assistant to pop out).

My pal Stevie reckons we should have gathered outside the premises on Queen Street and observed a minute’s silence. But he fears Celtic fans would have disrupted it with bangers and whoopee cushions…Seriously, though, for the punters mourning its closure, let me ask you this – when did you last actually visit the shop and buy, say, a bag of garlic sweeties or a packet of finger-­snapping chewing gum? Exactly! That’s the REAL reason it’s vanished.

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Have you ever tried paying city centre rent and rates on the back of selling a bar of blue soap once every two months? It was the same story with ­Woolworth’s (RIP). The punters who were dabbing their eyes when the famous high street store closed were the same ones who hadn’t been through its doors in YEARS.

And when they did, let’s be honest, it was to steal a few Pick ’n’ Mix. I’m no retail expert, but I reckon that wasn’t great for the profit margin. Just before Tam Shepherd’s closed for business – if you’ll permit me to dust down another old cracker – a customer walked in and asked for a cowboy outfit. They duly sold him Rangers Football Club.

By the way, folks, the Scottish Parliament building at Holyrood is now 20 years old. So could it now be considered Scotland’s oldest joke shop? As a BBC guy, I’ll keep well away from politics … well, look what happened to Gary Lineker. (If you missed it, he has “stood down” as Match of the Day presenter. Aye right, and David Coote “stood down” as a Premier League referee).

But listen, all this stuff about wannabe MSP Stephen Flynn looking for a second job (he’s currently an MP at Westminster, remember) is nonsense. I reckon this would be his THIRD job. Unless I’m mistaken – and you can check my photographic evidence – he was also working as a doorman at our hotel when we were down in London last month…

On the back of a guest appearance on Off The Ball, he kindly invited me and Mrs C to Prime Minister’s Questions (which they ought to rename PM’s ANSWERS in a desperate bid force at least ONE out of him). It felt weird, after all, I watch PMQs on the telly every Wednesday at noon and, surrounded by hundreds of MPs, I was reminded of the warning I got before travelling to London – beware of ­pickpockets…

We also bumped into another former OTB guest – Labour MP Ian Murray. A big Hearts fan, he told me he was keen on new Jambos boss Neil Critchley. Opinions can change, of course. If memory serves, Ian also used to be keen on the winter fuel allowance…

Overall, I have to say PMQs was rather a ­disappointing experience. I had my hand up for AGES, but did I get asked for a question? Did I f***. Incidentally, Flynn has a brilliant “burr” (the trait of REALLY rolling your Rs) and, when he appeared on OTB, I set him a challenge…

If I wrote my version of the Billy Joel classic We Didn’t Start The Fire – featuring Ronald Reagan, Robert Redford, Ricky Ross, Roy Rodgers, Ruth Rendell, Ray Reardon, Rachel Riley, Ralph Richardson and Robert Robertson – would he record it for Children In Need? He told me, quite rightly, to p*** off.

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