Dear Coleen: I'm confused over friend who says he doesn’t fancy me but snuggles up close on sofa

Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who says there's chemistry between her and a friend but he says she's reading the signals wrong

Dear Coleen

I’m a single woman in my 30s and have been getting close to an old friend from college, who’s also single. Back in the day I really fancied him and felt we had chemistry, but nothing ever happened between us.

Recently, we reconnected and have been meeting for a drink, watching movies at each other’s houses, taking the dog for a walk and so on.

It has really felt like we’re dating, but the other night he said out of the blue: “You know I don’t fancy you, right?” It took my breath away and I felt so stupid I’d read the signs wrong.

He looked embarrassed and mumbled something like: “Sorry, that was awkward” and then said he had to get home. Like an idiot, I cried myself to sleep that night.

Anyway, after a few days of not contacting each other, he came over to mine with a bottle of wine and we ended up having a great night and snuggled up on the sofa together. Is there chemistry, but he’s just not admitting to it for whatever reason? I’m so confused!

I’ve been single for a long time, so I think my judgment is off. I’d love to know what you think of my situation, Coleen?

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Coleen says

It’s clear he absolutely adores you as a friend and loves the closeness, but I think it is purely friendship on his part. So, if you’re feeling more than that, you need to back away from the friendship unless you’re willing to accept it’ll never be anything more.

Look, he didn’t say it in the best way, but I think he panicked in the moment.

He’d clearly been worrying you were expecting romance and had been building up to say something and it all came out a bit wrong. But I kind of admire him for being honest, even if it was clumsy. But, if you do stay friends, please don’t go down the route of being his friend with benefits because it won’t be “just sex” for you and you’ll get hurt, and have a bigger problem to deal with.

It is hard when you’ve been single for a while and you really like him, but you have to be strong and remember that you deserve to be with someone who’s as crazy about you as you are about them. Good luck.

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