'My work bestie became my office enemy after a stupid falling out'

Writer Kate Ruby reveals what happened when her workplace friendship turned toxic, which made her feel increasingly lonely and created a frosty atmosphere in the office

As the lift ascended the floors of my office building, my heart seemed to travel in reverse, rapidly plummeting downwards.

My skin prickled and my palms felt sweaty. Every fibre of my being was dreading the moment the doors sprung open, pushing me out onto the floor I worked on. Then there would be no escape: I would have to spend the day trapped next to my closest colleague, a woman I’d made fast friends with when I’d joined the busy TV drama department two years earlier, and who had now become something more akin to an enemy.

Rachel and I were both in our early 30s and we’d had a stupid falling out over my ill-judged fling with her close friend’s ex. This crossed an invisible line of “girl code” as far as she was concerned, but as I saw it, she was being controlling.

Both of us had a point but neither of us would back down. And both of us would pay a high price, every single day, for our moral indignation. “When work friendships go wrong, it can be devastating,” says London-based therapist and coach Sophia Parsons. “It can be almost like a romantic break up, but there are no rules to it. You cannot divorce your colleague, and you cannot leave them without leaving your job.”

But she explains why office friendships can become so intense. “Working alongside somebody day in, day out can be very intimate - sharing projects and solving problems together can be very bonding, which is why so many romantic relationships start this way.”

I can still remember hiding behind my computer on our bank of desks as Rachel and another team member talked incessantly about their upcoming weddings, while I was excluded from office nights out. I felt incredibly lonely and as the frosty atmosphere persisted, my performance began to slide. I stopped speaking up in meetings and no longer put in the extra hours the demanding job required.

At my next appraisal my boss gently probed what had changed, but there was no way I could talk about the messy reality of what had gone down between Rachel and me without looking foolish and unprofessional. I left the room with my eyes prickling with tears, unable to see a way out of the mess I’d got into.

But workplace friendships don’t need to be this complicated. Zoe, an NHS administrator who helps to run a busy trauma ward, speaks to the camaraderie that gets her through the stress of her role. “Seeing people in life and death situations takes its toll on my mental health,” she says. “If I couldn’t have a laugh with the nurses, or feel like I’m supporting them to deliver the care our patients need, I’d have left years ago.”

And Sophia Parsons attests to how important these bonds can be. “Loneliness is very bad for mental and physical health, and there is an epidemic of social isolation. Many people get most of their social interactions at work, so these friendships can be a literal lifeline.”

Having close friends at work has also been proven to have big advantages for workers and bosses alike. A Gallup study found that people who answered “yes” to the statement “I have a best friend at work” are more productive, less prone to quitting and even significantly less likely to suffer a workplace accident.

I didn’t need a colleague to remind me to wear a hardhat, but I did miss having someone to confide in as I navigated the shark infested waters of a media job. In time, Rachel and I made friends again, helped in part because I met a new man who got on with her husband.

We both apologised but were never close again, which was probably a blessing. The obsessive quality our friendship had when we’d first met - filled with confidences about our fraught childhoods and romantic histories - wasn’t appropriate for office life, and it most likely left others feeling excluded.

Yet I learnt a lot from that tumultuous time with Rachel. I still value having friendships at work, but I know where the boundaries lie. It also provided inspiration for my new thriller, in which I explore a relationship between a boss and an assistant that turns dangerously toxic. I know from experience that when it goes wrong at work, the fallout can poison your whole life.

Sophia advises finding a balance. “As with any environment we want to feel safe and valued in the workplace. Having a best friend at work can make people feel more secure and supported, helping them to thrive. But it’s important to stay aware of the pitfalls inherent to the situation. Colleagues may be put into competition with one another, or one may be promoted over another. Staying mindful of the challenges keeps you safe.” Forewarned is forearmed.

Everything You Have by Kate Ruby, £9.99 (Simon & Schuster) is out now