'It felt like my mind was on fire'

I went cold turkey on my antidepressants – I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone

'I can’t change things that have happened as a result of being off my medication but I can do my utmost to warn people that they shouldn’t do the same'

12 Oct 2024, 03:00 by Sam Cook · Wales Online

Before we begin I want to emphasise that this article is not a plea for sympathy. The past few years have been somewhat tumultuous in terms of my mental health and I've reached a point where I feel compelled to share my own journey in the hope it might help others facing similar struggles. Not that I believe all mental health experiences are identical – each individual has their unique circumstances and their own methods of self-help.

A couple of years ago, after much deliberation, I decided to try medication for my persistent low mood and feelings of low self-esteem. I sought advice from my doctor who was quick to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. Reflecting on it now it felt like there wasn't much discussion before they suggested I try antidepressants.

I did give them a try – several times in fact. My first experience with antidepressants was with citalopram, which had the opposite effect on me. The thing about antidepressants is that they often make you feel worse before you start to feel better. Patience is required – something I must confess I've always found challenging.

Perhaps my lack of patience is the reason I’ve always had such disdain for antidepressants. For someone with depression it can take time for them to feel ‘happy’ so you have to just go with the flow.

After realising that citalopram wasn't the right fit for me I transitioned to the medication I'm currently on: sertraline. It's difficult to articulate how it makes you feel to someone who isn't taking it.

Don't get me wrong, it works, but it also feels like it takes something away from you. There's a certain numbness that comes with it – a numbness that you might argue is a stranger feeling than the depression itself. Surely feeling something is better than nothing.

My experience with sertraline has been a mixed bag, to put it mildly Honestly I've always felt somewhat embarrassed about being on it, which seems counterproductive. However by writing this article I hope to demonstrate how misguided my attitude towards it has been. There's no shame in taking them and, chances are, many people you know are on a similar medication.

If the past few weeks have taught me anything it's that there's no need to feel ashamed of being on antidepressants. They serve a purpose and while some people can manage their emotions others struggle. Unfortunately I fall into the latter category.

In all honesty I don't have any 'real' reason to be depressed. I'm a 27-year-old with a loving family, loyal friends, and promising future prospects. But that's not how anxiety and depression work. Over the years, through numerous consultations with doctors and therapists, I've come to understand that depression is a chemical imbalance, a genuine illness. Think of it as faulty wiring in the brain.

Quitting these tablets abruptly was a foolish decision. The primary reason I'm writing this is to caution others against making the same mistake. The most distressing part is that it's not just you who suffers: it's your loved ones who are forced to witness your erratic, overly anxious, and unstable behaviour.

During my time off the medication I was plagued by an intense sense of dread that seemed to stick to me. In that period any information could have been presented to me and my mind would've instantly leapt to the negative. It was challenging for me to comprehend what was happening in nearly all aspects of my life.

While I was off sertraline I was consumed by this deep fear that terrible things were going to happen. The negative emotions I was trying to suppress were manifesting as angry outbursts towards friends and family. It genuinely felt like my mind was on fire.

A particularly distressing incident made me realise the size of my error in discontinuing the medication. The following day I contacted my doctor who outlined the risks associated with sudden withdrawal. I am certain that it will take me a considerable amount of time to recover from the harm I have inflicted upon myself. I have now gradually resumed taking sertraline and I'm navigating through the side effects. In retrospect I can't believe I acted so recklessly. Going cold turkey was a risk I should never have taken and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

It's not something I take pride in but it's an issue I'm gradually gaining control over. Without my medication these symptoms significantly worsened and my behaviour was uncontrollable, particularly after drinking alcohol. Since deciding to abruptly stop taking the medication that was aiding me people have informed me that I've exhibited all of these behaviours. A common side effect for me when off the medication is increased anger and instability.

Generally I'm a calm and easy-going person but upon stopping the medication suddenly I've been told that I've become short-tempered and easily agitated. This resulted in distressing conversations and strained relationships.

Without sertraline minor irritations would send me into a full-blown rage. Initially I didn't notice much change – but others did around me. It started as a low-grade simmer, a constant undercurrent of annoyance, which is quite far away from what I'm like usually. Shortly after I found myself shouting at loved ones, slamming doors, and throwing objects in anger when I'm on my own. In all honesty I felt like a stranger to myself, overwhelmed by something I couldn't control. It was quite terrifying to be honest.

I can’t change things that have happened as a result of being off my medication but I can do my utmost to warn people that they shouldn’t do the same. It’s there to help: listen to doctors, do something for you.

Writing this has actually been weirdly cathartic. It’s been good to reflect on the whole thing. I’m not too sure whether I’ll be able to repair the damage that I’ve done from coming off the medication but I know that now I’m back on them I look towards the future with more optimism.

The whole experience has left me with a new-found respect for the power of medication and the importance of consulting with a healthcare professional before making any changes to your treatment. The NHS strongly advises against abruptly stopping antidepressants. It can often lead to unpleasant withdrawal symptoms, which can sometimes be severe. It's crucial to taper off the medication slowly under the guidance of a healthcare professional.

Common withdrawal symptoms

Restlessness
Trouble sleeping
Unsteadiness
Sweating
Stomach problems
Feeling as if there's an electric shock in your head
Changes to your mood such as low mood or feeling irritable, anxious, or confused

How to come off medication safely

Abruptly stopping sertraline (or any medication) can be dangerous and lead to serious side effects. If you're considering stopping antidepressants please consult with your healthcare provider. See your doctor if you get severe withdrawal symptoms after you stop taking antidepressants. Alternative approaches can be used such as reintroducing another antidepressant from the same group and reducing the dose more slowly or stopping completely and managing your symptoms. For more information please visit the NHS website.

Useful numbers for dealing with your mental health

There's help available if you need it:

Mind Cymru infoline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 6pm. To contact them call 0300 123 3393.

Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (in the UK and Republic of Ireland this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).

C.A.L.L. (Community Advice & Listening Line) offers emotional support and information/literature on mental health and related matters to the people of Wales and can be contacted on 0800 132 737 or through the website.

The NHS offers help and advice through its 111 service.