What Trump and Biden REALLY said to each other in the Oval Office

Joe Biden is the meat in the MAGA sandwich – his 46th presidency uncomfortably snuggled in between two hearty slices of Donaldough.

It's been almost four years since Trump begrudgingly left the White House but, when the two sat together for the traditional Oval Office hand-off on Wednesday, they got along like old friends.

Slap Happy Joe grinned widely and whispered, 'Welcome home,' as Donald 'The Legacy Destroyer', expressed his appreciation for such a warm reception. At least, that's what all the cameras captured.

I imagine those weren't the only words exchanged. In fact, the two men reportedly spoke for a further two hours in private. Perhaps, the conversation went a little like this:

Biden: You know, I voted for you, right? Did you see me wearing your hat?

Trump: Yeah, you and everyone else. But why did you keep calling me Hitler? That was a little not nice, Sleepy Joe.

Biden: Malarkey! Now YOU are sensitive about nicknames? And I never called you Hitler – that was Kamala. Let's just say, I'm not with her!

Biden laughs, coughs and falls face-first out of his chair.

At this moment, Dr. Jill Biden walks in, dressed in her finest blood-red Lady Macbeth suit.

She hoists Biden back into his seat and starts speaking.

Dr. Jill: Just remember, Donald, Joe was your best surrogate! Don't forget who opened up America's borders and flooded the country with illegal immigrants. 'Thank you' would be nice. What about giving me and Joe a nice cushy ambassadorship, so we can live out our retirements in style?

Biden: I hear Ukraine is nice and Hunter has a lot of friends there.

Jill pushes Joe back down to the floor.

Trump: Sorry, guys. I've got more pressing issues on my agenda, like firing the entire federal bureaucracy, ending wars with the snap of my fingers and appointing a super-hot Press Secretary. Priorities!

Suddenly, Hunter Biden bursts into the room.

Hunter: Daaaaaad, I thought we were going to play catch with my Romanian buddies!!??

Biden: No, Hunter. I said: 'You are going to get caught with your Romanian buddies. Now, tell the Chinese that you won't be visiting Beijing anymore.'

Hunter: Excuse me, Mr. Trump. Can I have a pardon?

Biden: Yeah, Don. Will you pardon my boy?

Trump: I don't think so, no.

Biden: You're a Nazi!

Hunter: You're garbage!

Dr. Jill: Now boys, let's all agree that there's only one person we all really, really hate.

Biden: Nancy Pelosi!

Dr. Jill: No, Joe. Try again.

'Kamala', they all shout.

Dr. Jill: That's right. Ever since she called Joe a racist, I've had it out for her. At least, I won't have to hug her creepy husband anymore – he always tries to kiss me on the lips.

Jill reaches into her purse and pulls out a letter addressed to Melania Trump.

Dr Jill: I'm so sorry your pretend...I mean pretty... wife couldn't be here today, Donald. I was so looking forward to serving her some arsenic tea. I wrote her a little note. Can you deliver it for me?

Trump: Oh Jill, that's so sweet! What does it say?

Dr. Jill: Well, I know Melania is multi-lingual, so I wrote out a translation of 'Go f*** yourself' in five languages, including Slovak.

Trump: It's been great catching up. Joe, you look worse than I thought. Hunter, pack your bags because you're going to Gitmo. I'll have Handsome Pete Hegseth get the transfer paperwork ready.

Someone knocks on the Oval Office door and it opens.

Biden: Hulk Hogan! What are you doing here?

Trump: Meet the new Attorney General!

Life's a beach! 

It was truly 'Dead Man Walking' this weekend as Lame Duck Doddering Joe nearly fell arse-over-teakettle as he battled the loose sand by his Rehoboth beach house.

Frustrated First Lady Jill worked overtime to keep him from face planting. But why did she let her hobbling hubby embarrass himself in full view of the cameras?

It was the perfect metaphor for a Democratic election campaign that was poorly conceived and painful to watch.

(Though not quite as painful as Biden appearing to smooch his sister Valerie – on the mouth! – at a Veterans Day ceremony honoring his late son Beau. Yikes.)

Fears for Ariana 

My sympathy is with Ariana Grande as the waify songstress appears to be shrinking into an ever-more diminutive diva.

Sure, she seemed delighted to be showing off her co-star and hobbit-esque lover Ethan Slater at the Los Angeles 'Wicked' premier on Saturday.

But bleached eyebrows and sunken features look good on exactly no one.

She may have questionable taste in men but someone needs to get this girl a tasty sandwich – stat.

Foolish 4B

The bizarre new '4B' movement of unhinged broads wasn't exactly on my 2024 bingo card.

But there is something rather hilarious about the emotionally unstable leftie ladies now boo-hooing about Trump's win, blaming men and swearing off sex for life.

Don't tell these Kamala-loving misandrists but they're guilty of cultural appropriation (the anti-patriarchy 4B trend originated in Korea).

The movement's most radical are even shaving their heads in protest, uglifying themselves to prove some sort of point.

There's an obvious upside. Red-blooded fellas now know who to steer clear of. And, for the less hysterical femmes among us, it leaves the dating pool a little less crowded.

Winning smile? 

You know who looks great? Our relieved Vice Presidentress, fresh off defeat week and snapped laughing on Saturday with her great-nieces and a large glass of wine.

Where were these easy breezy lifestyle pics a few weeks ago? Whisper it but, in her messy bun and college sweatshirt, this care-free Kamala looks almost likeable.

Pity presidency  

Meanwhile, Kamala's former comms director Jamal Simmons is begging Biden to step down within the month so that his old boss can still be the first female president.

One canny X user compared the preposterous idea to a 'Make A Wish Presidency'. But fear not, at this point I think Joe would rather kiss his own sister than further aid Kamala's vaunting ambitions. Oh wait…

Drew the line

Prison-fluencer Martha Stewart spoke for us all when she shoved off Drew Barrymore's advances live on TV this week.

Lisping Drew's touch-me-more performances might be a desperate attempt to attract eyeballs to her tired talk show, but they're becoming downright deranged.

After asking, 'what makes you soft and gooey?', Drew suggestively sucked her finger and caressed Martha's chefly arms.

Unflappable, Martha pushed back, like she should've done with her stockbroker in 2001.