I tried binge watching all the new Christmas content

By Amberleigh Jack*

I've made the cakes. Our lopsided tree is sitting proudly in the lounge, and the 1984 Band Aid crew has been reminding me it's Christmas every time I leave the house for days.

Still, nothing screams December quite like the festive Whack-a-Mole game of Christmas titles appearing across every streaming service.

It got me wondering - How much dedicated Christmas content can one consume in a day, and can anything beat the December classics we know and love?

Up early, coffee in hand, I had grand plans of structure, new content and rules for my day of viewing - which, as soon as I became overwhelmed by the never-ending options - became the curser-clicking equivalent of closing my eyes and throwing a dart at the screen.

Following last year's buzz over Lindsay Lohan's Christmas film comeback, her next festive flick Our Little Secret is holding a high spot in NZ's top Netflix films. It seemed an appropriate place to start.

Christmas Hallmark-style romance films aren't my go-to first choice, but when it comes to "woman spends holidays with boyfriend's family, then discovers her ex is dating his sister and tries to pretend they don't know each other" Christmas movies go, it's an easy, inoffensive start to the day.

I'm also not a parent (Am I even the right person for this experiment?), but if I were, I'd be happy enough to sit them down for the book adaptation - Night Before Christmas in Wonderland on NEON. It's charming, fun and full of rhyme and too-catchy tunes.

As far as work days go, this ordeal isn't so bad, after all.

Right about the time I thought that is when the wheels quickly fall off.

Netflix recommended The Merry Gentlemen as my next watch. A festive romance with a big-city woman, a return to the hometown and a charming, sandy-haired bloke. There's also a money-making scheme in the form of male strippers (Well, male topless dancers - can't get too raunchy at Christmas). Twas the Text Before Christmas saw a wrong text from someone's nana turning into Christmas strangers becoming friends, budding romance and a terrible Aussie accent thrown in for good measure near the end.

By now I need a reprieve from the music and the over-the-top decor that puts my suburb's half-arsed attempt at string lights to shame. I - for sure - need caffeine.

I tap out when attempting two more romcoms. TVNZ's Christmas in Mississippi (released in 2017, but new to the streaming service) and 2013's A Country Christmas Story barely start before I realise I'm vaguely hearing twinkly mischief music somewhere in the back of my mind while paying no attention to the screen. Both are cut very short in search of something different.

There's a reason the classics like Love Actually, The Holiday, Miracle on 3rd Street, The Muppets Christmas Carol and even Die Hard and Gremlins (which just dropped on NEON, by the way) always come out. This day could have gone much smoother with the guaranteed wins.

The Wonderful World of Disney: Holiday Spectacular is narrated by Kristen Bell It features Disney characters and messages from celebs (Yes, it's pretty much a joy-filled ad for Disney). The concert has Christmas tunes performed at the Happiest Place on Earth by John Legend and Pentatonix amongst others. Props to Elton John for being iconic enough to wow the crowd with the very festive, Your Song.

The closest I got to Disneyland in my childhood was watching the Tanner family perform with the Beach Boys on that Full House episode once, but this is an easy way to get the kids in the festive spirit. I fast-forward through a bit of this one. I got the idea pretty quickly, and by now all the music is giving me flashbacks of working December retail in my 20s.

I need a break from the red, green, bauble-centric monotony in my head.

Disney+ to the rescue with a stroke of genius in their Christmas highlight selections - offering "Merry episodes" of everything from Bob's Burgers and American Dad to Grey's Anatomy, Bones, Scrubs and The Bear.

Bob's Burgers' Yachty or Nice and Scrubs My Own Personal Jesus felt like the perfect way to cheat the system, while still keeping on theme.

At least I didn't throw on The Conjuring 2 or Fractured from Netflix' "edgy" holiday options and call it a day.

Violent Night is leaving Netflix on December 9 so I figured it was now or never. I'm regretting not opting for never. A drunk Santa scene and annoying rich folk acting had me dipping out before I even saw the violent part of the night.

Ultimately, the best thing about December is the food shows, right? Feasting With the Stars hits NEON on December 11 and TV chef Geoffrey Zakarian takes the over-the-top cheesy festivity a little far with his famous mates on Zoom, but they cook some good-looking dishes and I'm craving gingerbread men.

Selena and Chef: Home for the Holidays is available on Living from December 11 and is a natural, fun, enjoyable cooking watch. Focusing more on the conversation and food with chef Eric Adjepong (in episode one) than an onslaught of Christmas joy.

I feel a little bad for my husband, who arrives home to learn he's joining the tail end of a Christmas marathon. I've been saving Netflix Scandinavian horror series Elves for this moment.

There's a remote island, more Christmas songs and some kind of demon elves. A bit weird. A bit silly. But even a horror elf series is putting Christmas earworms in my head.

Hours in, a little broken, and I still haven't made a dent in festive content. And there's more to come. ThreeNow and TVNZ+ will no doubt drop new content closer to the big day and we'll probably sit down for the seasonal thriller, Carry-On when it drops on Netflix on December 13.

The clear highlight, though, comes as I'm hitting a breaking point. Amazon Prime's special, Jack in Time, is funny, clever and easy to watch. Comedian Jack Whitehall tries to get home for Christmas, Jimmy Fallon and Rebel Wilson make appearances and Michael Bublé proves he's a bloody good laugh.

But I'm exhausted. I've destroyed my streaming algorithms, I cant stop humming Christmas songs and I'm self-conscious about my roughly decorated, normal-sized tree with failing battery lights.

I'm done.

Well, kind of. There's always room for Gremlins, right?

* Amberleigh Jack is a freelance entertainment and lifestyle writer