Tam Cowan: "Smoking will stunt a Snow White dwarf's growth...oh yes it will."

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According to the latest research, embarrassing typos and autocorrect fails are two of the reasons why four in 10 Brits have sent text messages they instantly regretted. I think the main issue here is that a lot of folk nowadays – particularly the youngsters – simply lack a basic grasp of the written language.

Yep, it would appear the days of people using proper English are long since went… Seriously, folks, if Santa has been reading their social media posts, I reckon most of Scotland’s kids will be getting dictionaries for their Christmas.

On that note, can I just point out I wasn’t kidding in last week’s column – I really do hate Christmas. It’s surely the worst eight months of the year – and it seems to have arrived really early in 2024. I thought it was Christmas Day on Thursday as that’s when my wife finished the last of the chocolates in our advent calendar.

Like most blokes, I’ll wait until December 24 before I start my shopping. Well, what’s the rush? Our local petrol station is only down the road. And surely Mrs C won’t mind getting charcoal briquettes two years on the bounce?

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They insist you should do your Christmas shopping early but that’s utter nonsense. A few years ago, I did mine 12 months early – and the shops were STILL mobbed.

I’ll tell you what I do like about this time of year… it’s pantomime season! Oh yes it is!

Went to see Peter Pan at the King’s Theatre in Glasgow on Thursday night and, with star names Elaine C Smith, Johnny Mac and Darren Brownlie in fine form, it was a scream from start to finish. Next week, it’s Beauty and the Beastie at the Glasgow Pavilion with my auld pals Grado and wee Stephen Purdon.

And I absolutely MUST see Cinderella at the Festival Theatre in Edinburgh as one of its stars – the legendary Allan Stewart – provided one of the biggest laughs that I’ve witnessed at a panto when he appeared in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs about, oh, 10 years ago.

My big pal Grant Stott was ­brilliant as the Wicked Witch and the late, great Andy Gray was in fine form, but I still chuckle at Allan’s routine as Nurse May when he spots a few “pals” in the audience.

“You’ve got ­beautiful hair, Claire.”

“You’ve got a lovely nose, Rose."

“Oh, hiya Annie…!”

Outside the theatre that year, I spotted one of the actors (who had spent the entire performance on his knees playing a dwarf) enjoying a quick fag. “Don’t you know that smoking can stunt your growth?” I smiled. Perhaps fittingly for a guy playing a dwarf, it went over his head…

Talking of panto, let’s turn to ­Scottish football… Tell you what, I felt really sorry for the Rangers fans who couldn’t enjoy a right good gloat over Cameron Carter-Vickers’ incredible OG against Club Brugge on Wednesday night. A horrendous, almost comical blunder, sure. But correct me if I’m wrong – it meant the big man has now scored more goals against Celtic this season than Rangers…

Fair play to Ibrox regular @Shawlands-Lim on X who said: “I laughed at the Carter-Vickers own goal but my immediate thought was ‘Dessers would’ve missed that’…”

Meanwhile, I see that George Best’s first pair of football boots – given to him in 1960 by his parents – are being auctioned with a guide price of £500. But I reckon George’s boots from the tail end of his career are the REAL collector’s item. They were slip-ons, apparently, as he could no longer tie his laces…

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