Where can I get a Greggs black card?

When it comes to trying to live a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget, my bank statement certainly doesn’t lie. I’m as guilty as the next person of lying by the pool on holiday and snapping a photo of my hotdog legs, along with the caption ‘How’s your Monday?’

But who hasn’t tried to turn their mates green with envy, knowing full well that in a week’s time you’ll be back home staring at a pile of washing or sitting in an office chair willing a large coffee to work its magic?

So yes, I’ve thought long and hard about what I’d do if I became Newcastle’s next Lotto millionaire. And aside from having a house that would be worthy of the ones you used to see on Footballers’ Wives (watch out Darras Hall!) and treat my parents as a thank you for all the times they’ve come to my rescue over the years, there are a few things anyone who lives in Newcastle just HAS to do.

Think how many chicken bakes from Greggs you could buy?! Stuff that, I’d demand my very own Greggs black card or pay to have a pasty named in my honour!

Then there’s the potential of hiring out Newcastle Arena or the City Hall and putting on a concert with a line-up packed full of Geordie legends - Sting, Sam Fender, Cheryl… and, to top the bill, a one night only comeback for Ant and Dec as PJ and Duncan. If you’re listening, lads, it's time to give the British public what they want! Oh, and while you're on, could I also get a walk-in part in the Byker Grove reboot please?

When it comes to where I'd host the big bash to celebrate winning the Lotto jackpot, high end rooftop bars and cocktail lounges are firmly off the list. Instead, give me some of my nearest and dearest, a karaoke booth or two in Newcastle's number one place to party, Cosy Joes, and pass me a microphone. The Winner Takes It All would never be sung with more conviction.

And yes, I know I said splashing your holiday pics all over social media might be slightly poor taste, but a holiday or two would most definitely be in order.

Captions like 'life's a beach' and 'I've had worse Wednesdays’ are there to be used at the end of the day… as is the Greggs at Newcastle Airport, which is like the holy grail when you walk through arrivals after a few days of burning the candle at both ends and doing enough shots to land a cameo on Geordie Shore. Mine’s a chicken bake, please.