Stirling couple share importance of keeping up connections after dementia blow

Daniel is living with the condition while wife Joan acts as his primary carer.

A Stirling couple have spoken of how keeping up activities and connections with friends and family has helped after one of them was diagnosed with dementia.

Daniel Murphy (73), a married father of four, is living with Alzheimer’s, while wife Joan, also 73, is his primary care partner.

After being a head teacher at three different schools, in retirement Danny worked as a head teacher trainer at The University of Edinburgh and as a volunteer in Cambodia, contributing to the English language curriculum.

Since retirement, he has earned a creative writing degree and written two self-published novels.

But, additionally, he has been learning Italian since his diagnosis.

Joan is from Ayrshire and is a speech language therapist by profession. She is the founder of Talking Mats, a social enterprise, which aims to improve the lives of people with communication difficulties. She has carried out research for several years with people living with dementia.

Joan first noticed Danny’s memory difficulties in 2013.

She said: “Danny started putting things in strange places, he would ask repeat questions and lose things, which was not like Danny at all.”

While acknowledging that everyone sometimes experiences this, Danny increasingly did this more than might be expected.

Due to Joan’s concerns, the couple initially took the step to self-refer through the GP which led to a consultant referral.

It proved to be a lengthy process, and it took a while to convince the consultant of Danny’s condition.

Danny said: “I had a brain scan, and the results were eye opening. The consultant pointed out a black area on the scan and told us this area of the brain was no longer working.”

Danny had an official diagnosis of Alzheimer’s Disease in 2022.

Upon diagnosis, there was a sense of relief for them both and Danny said: “Although we didn’t tell friends at first, they now all know and are accepting and supportive.”

The couple made the decision early on in Danny’s diagnosis to remain very active.

Joan said, “It’s important to both of us to stay active, as I know the benefits this can bring to someone living with dementia.”

Joan also recognises how much social interaction helps Danny, and the role friends play in helping him live life to the fullest. The couple regularly go on shorts breaks and also meet up with a small group of friends to chat and play the board game Canasta together, which they both really enjoy.

Danny’s friends have been supportive and made adjustments to help him continue to live a full life with dementia. He has a long daily walk and goes to the gym three times a week with a friend.

Joan said: “From a care partner’s perspective, we’ve found practical aids a real help. I’ve set up WhatsApp groups for all his friends, and I’m included in each one to help remind Danny of his plans.

“His friends all know of his condition and are very accommodating, so will come to the house to meet him here, rather than trying to have him find his way to them. We also have a shared calendar so we can see each other’s plans and use the ‘Life 360’ app so that we always know where each other is.”

On the family side of things, both Joan and Danny also maintain an active role in their children’s lives, helping look after their four grandchildren in Glasgow every week.

Joan says that adding reminders around the home has helped them to keep on track with important activities.

“Most mornings we use bright coloured post-it notes to organise the day. This includes what needs done and what plans we have so Danny has a pattern of the day.”

Danny’s advice for someone newly diagnosed with dementia is to continue staying socially and mentally active as much as possible.

He said: “Friends, family and activity are key. I’ve found that keeping busy, reading, keeping in touch with events in the news, and being with people means that I still have a great life.”

The Scottish Government, in partnership with COSLA, has launched a new campaign to challenge the stigma surrounding dementia. ‘Rethink Dementia’ encourages people to continue doing the things they always did with friends or relatives diagnosed with dementia, highlighting that these everyday activities can help them stay well for longer.

Created in collaboration with a National Dementia Lived Experience Panel, the campaign emphasises the importance of maintaining relationships with those living with dementia. Research has shown that making this effort to stay in contact with individuals and include them in social activities can help alleviate symptoms of depression, agitation, sleep disturbance, anxiety and apathy that can often come with dementia.

Dementia affects an estimated 90,000 people in Scotland, 3,000 of whom are under the age of 65. Insight informing the campaign found that many people associate dementia with the later stage of the illness and therefore change their behaviour towards a friend or family member who has been diagnosed.

Dr Tom Russ, a NHS Consultant Old Age Psychiatrist and Researcher at The University of Edinburgh, said: “Over the past 20 years, I’ve engaged with hundreds of people who have been diagnosed with dementia, and it’s often the case that those individuals will withdraw from social activities, which can negatively impact their overall wellbeing.

“If you know of a friend or relative who has been diagnosed with dementia, it’s really important to stay in touch and help maintain their usual social activities.”

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