'I survived': Coercive control victim speaks out about abuse

Kathleen Correia, who on Monday waived her right to anonymity to warn others about the dangers of coercive control within marriages, has spoken out to Prime Time in her first one-on-one media interview.

Ms Correia’s former husband, Sergio, was jailed for eight years on Monday for raping and coercively controlling her during their marriage.

She told Prime Time the tell-tale signs began to emerge soon after their wedding in 2012.

"Gradually, little things. It was very small things that I noticed, and it was very insidious gradually going along... it wasn't all of a sudden. It was just a little bit at a time," she said.

"I think he always felt that he could behave any way he wanted, and I would accept it," Ms Correia told Miriam O’Callaghan.

"He said, ‘you'd never leave me because you never wanted the children to come from a broken home because you came from a broken home, and that would be damaging for the kids, and you don't want that for them.’ Which was the truth. I didn't want that. I wanted a home, a family."

Kathleen and Sergio Correia have three children together.

She said describing to the couple’s older children what had happened in her marriage involved "the hardest conversations" she has ever had in her life.

Portugal relocation

In 2018, the family relocated to Portugal, but the move did not work out. A year later, they returned to Ireland, after which Ms Correia said her then-husband's behaviour significantly worsened.

"He said that it was my fault. And financially, it was very hard to recover when we came back. And he was angry, and he blamed me for that, even though it wasn't my fault," she said.

"At the time, he was concealing a drug addiction from me, and I wasn't aware. And a lot of our financial difficulties was because of his drug addiction."

Ms Correia said her husband demanded sex five times per week and would not accept anything less.

"It didn't matter if you were sick or anything else was going on, his needs had to be met. I tried to speak to him about it and say, ‘That's not normal. That's not a normal relationship."

"I tried to talk to him about that," she said "but he said he didn't care what other couples did... ‘this is what's happening in our house.’"

"I'd be dreading it all day... thinking, ‘What am I going to have to do tonight?’"

"I just lived in fear every day of what's going to happen... And ‘no’ never meant no. And no matter how many times I said ‘no’, he never listened."

Ms Correia said her lowest moment came in July 2019 when her then-husband anally raped her in a hotel after a concert in Dublin.

"That night after the concert, he said that it was his birthday and he deserved this treat. So I had to do it. And I begged him, ‘Please don't do it because it's going to hurt.’ He just said, ‘it's my birthday.’"

"I think that was the worst. I just said, I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I have to do something. At that time, I didn't know what I was going to do. That was the lowest point for me."

Over the following years, their marriage wholly broke down, Sergio Correia left the family home, and Kathleen began to attend therapy.

"I was afraid in the house, and Sergio was messaging me, and he was threatening to come to the house, and I was afraid that he would... he was so angry."

Having heard Ms Correia’s concerns about her husband, her therapist advised her to contact Gardai.

"He was afraid for my safety. When I went to the guards, he said, ‘You need to go to the unit, the DPSU unit.’"

The Garda Divisional Protective Services Units (DPSUs) are staffed nationwide by specially trained Gardai, and tasked with dealing with investigations of sexual crime, child protection, domestic abuse, online child exploitation and sex offender management.

"They were so good to me," Ms Correia said. "They treated me with compassion and empathy... I just felt at ease when I met with them, and they believed me."

"When you're at a very low point and you're very vulnerable, to have people believe you and believe in you, it gives you courage to keep going. And it was really important for me, and they saved me for sure," she added.

Asked how it felt to hear the sentence being handed down to her abuser in court, Ms Correia said she was relieved.

"I felt relief, relief that I made it. I've survived," she said. "My life is going to get better... I know it'll get better. There is light because it has been very dark and isolating, and so much shame. I just felt like a weight was lifted. I felt like I was carrying this for so long."

Her advice to other people experiencing coercive control and abuse within their marriage is to speak to someone you trust.

"Talk to somebody, talk to a friend or a family member. And it's very hard to do that. It's very hard to say it. But once you say it, things will get better."

"No matter how hard it will be coming forward, everything after that will get easier. It takes time, but there's a better life. That's basically what it has been for me."

"I'm hopeful that my future will be positive and happy, and I'm safe and I survived. I'm so grateful that I did."

Details of services which may assist with concerns about coercive control and domestic abuse can be found on rte.ie/helplines.