Are dating apps actually making us lonelier?

The big tech companies that own dating apps are manipulating and overcharging their vulnerable users without delivering results, United Kingdom tech journalist Siân Boyle says.

"The loneliness epidemic is affecting younger people disproportionately, who happen to be the largest users of dating apps. The fertility crisis is disproportionately affecting people in their 20s."

Add to the mix post-Covid shyness, smartphone addiction and men's uncertainty about how to behave post #MeToo, and we have got a modern dating crisis on our hands, she tells RNZ's Nights.

As a longtime online dater, in the last couple of years, Boyle and her single friends noticed the apps were getting more mercenary and charging more.

"I was paying out hundreds of pounds over a few months ... I just thought 'that's not right and it's not working either'."

The dating app industry as we know it kicked off with the 2012 launch of Tinder, she says, the first mainstream swipeable smartphone dating platform.

After a "golden era" five years ago when most apps were mostly free, many now operate on a 'freemium' model in which users can apparently sign up and browse for free, but receive a reduced service without paid features.

Hinge, for example, used to offer free matches but now holds its users captive in a "rose jail" in which contact with a potential match is only possible after you pay to send them a virtual 'rose'.

A company called Match Group - "the Facebook or Google of dating" - owns Hinge, Tinder and the vast majority of other dating apps, Boyle says.

Match Group commands a 60 percent share of the global market while Bumble Inc (which owns Bumble) has a 30 percent share.

"You've got essentially two companies' algorithms controlling the romantic fate of millions of people."

Some IT experts believe dating app algorithms even intentionally "break down" their users mentally to make them think they are the problem, Boyle says.

"Perceived romantic rejection is one of the most stigmatising, shameful states of being. Loneliness is one of the most shameful mental health afflictions. So it's perfect business conditions, in my opinion, because there's no scrutiny, people aren't really loudly complaining about it and they're escalating their subscription costs and payments up and up and up in the hope of finding love.

"If you think about it logically, if two people formed a lasting relationship, then these platforms would lose two customers permanently every time [that] happened."

The 'real world' of dating - which many people try after ditching the apps - is unfortunately no less perilous, Boyle says.

Men do not attend real-time dating events in nearly the same number as women and many find it daunting to try and date in a post #MeToo culture.

"#MeToo 100 percent needed to happen but I'm reading thousands of men online saying 'We don't know what the rules are anymore, we know women don't want to be approached'. Men aren't approaching women in real life anymore.

"We need as a society to wake up to the problem and I think more people need to try and get out there, put their phones down, speak to each other in real life more and show a bit more compassion towards each other, especially the opposite sex.

"I don't think we should be in a war with each other. We should have compassion and talk to each other a bit more and just connect in real life more."

Sign up for Ngā Pitopito Kōrero, a daily newsletter curated by our editors and delivered straight to your inbox every weekday.